I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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