I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
