So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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