Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
