Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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