i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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