The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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