It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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