The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
