Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
