So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
