I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
