Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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