i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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