I feel great
I just peed on a car
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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