Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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