I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
