dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
