If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have post one night stand depression
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
