you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
