I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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