I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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