I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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