i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
