if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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