i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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