Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
