Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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