Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
