Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
