I'm sorry my penis didn't work
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
