The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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