im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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