Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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