the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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