Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I didn't notice because vodka
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
