OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Success! We fucked roommates!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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