I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Randomize
