Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
