I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
