Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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