Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
