Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
