Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
what day is it and did you see me today?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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