Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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