Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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