Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
time to smoke my breakfast
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
