Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
