I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
