Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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